The Letter
by WhiteFeather1965
Summary: A Scarecrow and Mrs King AU. Tissue alert! WARNING: Main character death. Amanda has recently died from an inoperable brain tumor and Lee is devastated and inconsolable. Shortly after the funeral he finds a letter she wrote to him a few weeks after being diagnosed with cancer in the glove compartment of his Corvette. Inspired by a classic scene from "One Life to Live."


Disclaimer: Scarecrow and Mrs King is owned by Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Enterprises Ltd. One Life to Live is owned by Disney/ABC. For entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement intended.

Summary: A Scarecrow and Mrs King AU. Tissue alert! WARNING: Main character death. Amanda has recently died from an inoperable brain tumor and Lee is devastated and inconsolable. Shortly after the funeral he finds a letter she wrote to him a few weeks after being diagnosed with cancer in the glove compartment of his Corvette. Inspired by a classic scene from the iconic soap opera, "One Life to Live" in which Viki Buchanan, many years after his death, discovers a letter written by her late husband, Joe Riley, shortly after he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. Forgive me, but I borrowed a bit of the formatting from that letter.

 **The Letter**

In early April, 1992, after collapsing with a severe headache while teaching a class of freshman agents in Codes & Ciphers, Amanda was diagnosed with late stage brain cancer. The tumor was inoperable and it was terminal.

Over the next several months she struggled so hard and fought so valiantly. It had pained Lee to watch her near the end. This was no longer his Amanda, but an empty shell, a mere shadow of the beautiful and vibrant woman she had once been. She died on a warm sunny day in late July. Lee was there holding her in his arms when she drew her last breath and her heart finally stopped beating. It would haunt him the rest of his life, to whisper to her that the battle was over and it was all right to let go, then to watch as the light, that last spark of life, left her eyes. He had never cried so much or so hard in all his life and he thought the near unbearable pain in his chest would never ease, but eventually it did.

He took the standard two weeks bereavement leave with an option for another two weeks, if he needed it. He was devastated and inconsolable. He rarely slept and could be found awake and prowling the house at all hours. He refused to eat and he often drank himself into oblivion, because he couldn't stand the thought of facing the future without his beloved Manda. The alcohol numbed the pain, but only temporarily and by Lee's estimation, not nearly long enough. For awhile he looked and felt like he had strolled through the deepest levels of hell. Not even the antics of Matt, Lee and Amanda's precious and precocious three year old son, could cajole him from his misery.

The hardest thing to get used to for Lee was rolling over in bed and instead of coming face to face with his beloved wife looking sleepily at him with her incredibly beautiful brown eyes or sound asleep and curled trustingly next to him, her face calm and at peace, he found only the empty place where she should have been. And when he reached out for her in the night, instead of encountering warm, soft woman flesh, he found only cold, empty air and rumpled blankets.

Lee finally understood where Amanda's unwavering strength came from when Dotty started trying to take up the slack and to fill the void left by Amanda's passing. In his alcohol hazed state he realized almost too late that it was way too much for her to handle alone. Knowing Amanda would not want that for him, he finally put away the bottle, sobered up and began to live up to his promise to Amanda that their family would be cared for and protected once she was gone. A week after that he returned to work. His Amanda, his beloved wife and partner, would never again grace his side and her empty desk in the Q Bureau was a painful reminder of the years they had spent there together.

Phillip and Jamie were inconsolable for awhile, but they seemed to be doing all right now. At Dotty's insistence, Lee had scheduled grief counseling for all of them with Dr. Pfaff.

Phillip was getting ready for his first year of college and Jaimie was a junior in high school this year. Matt was another story all together. He refused to go to preschool unless Mommy could take him. He would stand with his arms folded over his chest and his jaw set, tapping his foot. He reminded Lee so much of Amanda when she was being particularly stubborn. When he was home, he would go through the house calling for Mommy, but she never answered. Lee couldn't seem to get him to understand that she was gone.

About a month after the funeral Lee sat in the driver seat of the Corvette and rummaged in the glove compartment for his insurance verification and renewal information. As he took things out to examine them, hidden near the bottom of the pile of odds and ends he found a plain envelope with his name written on it in Amanda's handwriting. He opened it and began to read. It was a handwritten letter from Amanda in her neat, legible feminine script. It was dated three weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer and she was told that she had only a few months left to live.

 _April 23, 1992_

 _My Darling Lee,_

 _Hello, Sweetheart. It's about 4 am and I couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs, not wanting to disturb you with my restlessness. Perhaps I came downstairs to pace and curse fate or the powers that be that decided to drastically shorten my time on earth with you and our family. In the last few weeks I've railed at God and I've screamed and cried until I was exhausted and hoarse, but it won't change the outcome. Nothing can and I know that I will get no last minute reprieve._

 _I remember when we first found out that I have inoperable cancer of the brain and I am going to die. I refused chemotherapy and radiation treatments. My life. My body. My choice. I hope you understand that._

 _I know you love me and want to do everything you can to keep me with you for as long as possible, but at what price? I don't want to spend what little time I have left in and out of the hospital, being shot up with toxic chemicals and being irradiated till I glow in the dark. It would only extend my life by a little and even that has no guarantees. I don't want what little time I have left to be squandered in sickness and pain. Would you have wished that for me if you had understood? I want to spend this time and what little time I might have left at home with my family, with my friends, with the people I care about and who care about me most in this world, doing what I want to do and need to do while I'm still mentally aware and physically able._

 _Oh, my gosh. We had the biggest fight I think we've ever had. I think I have never seen you so angry and I have never seen your hair so disheveled from running your fingers through it. For almost a week you wouldn't speak to me and all you would do was look at me with anger in your eyes, clench your jaw and then look away. We lost time that we can never get back, precious time I wish we could have spent talking or loving each other, but somewhere in all that, I hope both of us gained some important perspective. I'm sorry, Sweetheart, but this time you can't just ride in on your white charger with guns blazing and fists flying to rescue me from the bad guys. This time the bad guys are inside my head and no one can save me, not even you, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try._

 _How can it end like this? I've asked myself that at least a thousand times. I know that there is no answer, but still I look for one, even though I know I will not find it. Cussed stubborn and doggedly determined to the very end, I guess. I smile now at the memory of you telling me that sometimes I would make mules look amicable. What was it Daddy used to say about Mother? Stubborn as a Missouri mule and twice as mean._

 _I know I've told you at least a thousand times how much I love you, but even if I told you a million times, it still wouldn't be enough. I'll never forget that day at the train station. It was the day I met you, the day our lives changed forever and for the better. I've often wondered what our lives would have been like had we not met that day or if you had chosen someone else to give that infernal package to. Oh, well. Now is not the time to dwell on such things. I want you to do something for me. Every year on October third, the anniversary of our first meeting, I want you to lay two red roses on the spot on the platform at the train station where we met._

 _I want to let you know that if I had it to do over again, I would have taken that package and I would have done it with a smile on my face. I wouldn't even have to close my eyes and think about it. I know you've felt guilty over the years about introducing me to the spy world and its inherent dangers, but as I have said before and I still believe, I'm an adult and I knew the risks... No guts, no glory._

 _I wouldn't change a thing about our time together and I wouldn't give back a moment with you, not a single one, the good and the bad. Just to have the years we've spent together, our partnership, our unconventional courtship, those stolen moments of the first year being married to you and all the time to follow, our life together as a couple and as a family; my meddling but loving and helpful mother, our beautiful baby boy, our wonderful young men preparing for lives of their own. I wouldn't give that back for all the gold in Fort Knox._

 _After all, I am the one woman who captured your heart, tamed your wild spirit and soothed your restless soul, when no one else could. We are two hearts, two souls, two spirits eternally and inextricably intertwined. I guess I've never really told you how special you've made my life. In your arms I've always felt so warm and comfortable, so safe, so loved. Somehow I always believed that if I curled up against your chest and you wrapped your arms around me, nothing in this world could harm me. Well, I guess the world had other plans. I know you feel guilty about not being able to protect me from this. Don't feel guilty. There was nothing either of us could have done. It is what it is._

 _I know we can't run and hide from this, as we have other dangers in our lives, but I wish that we could just pack up the Jeep and speed away, maybe somehow outrun my fate and leave it behind. I'd do it in a heartbeat if that were possible, but I realize it just doesn't work that way._

 _It wounds my spirit and pains me to the very depths of my soul to have to leave Matt, my beautiful baby boy, our tiny miracle, behind. He's only three years old. He won't understand why his mommy had to go away and he may not remember me. Tell him how much I love him and that l didn't want to go away. Please keep my memory alive for him._

 _Tell Mother that I love her with all my heart and thanks for everything she has done for me and the boys over the years. We never could have done it without her. Tell Phillip that I love him. I know he will make a wonderful high school teacher and basketball coach someday. I'm so proud he's going to college at UVA. Tell Jamie that I love him. Don't let him give up on his dream of being a photojournalist. When he is ready, get him in touch with Bart Stoller._

 _Tell Billy I love him and thanks for all the times he put us together and continued to do so despite vehement opposition. Tell him persistence on both of our parts paid off and I shall be forever grateful. Tell Francine that most of the time I was at the Agency, she treated me like a pesky younger sister that was never allowed to tag along with the big kids. But all things considered, we got to be pretty good friends. Tell Emily I love her like a favorite aunt and that I have benefited greatly from her friendship, her help and her wisdom over the years. Tell Harry I love him like the father I missed so much and thanks for helping us to trust each other enough to open our hearts and build a life together._

 _I want you to know that I really don't want to go, but I don't seem to have a choice in the matter. You and I both know God has given me a Zulu Blue and I can't ignore it. I would rather stay here with you and grow old, loving you and being loved by you, watching our kids grow up and find lives of their own. Damn it! I wanted so much to attend Jamie's high school graduation and Phillip's college graduation. I wanted to attend my sons' weddings and hold my first grandchild in my arms. When I married you, I meant for us to be together forever. *sigh* Maybe forever isn't as long as it used to be._

 _Mother gave me some really good advice not long after I met you. She said, Being cautious might keep you from getting your heart ripped to shreds, but it will also keep you from experiencing the truly miraculous. I think that once we stopped guarding our hearts, we found something truly miraculous in each other. At least I think we did._

 _So ends a very special love story. It really didn't have a very good beginning and it will have a very tragic ending, but oh, my gosh, it had a really wonderful and amazing middle, don't you think?_

 _Well, the sun is coming up now. I thought I would get a cup of coffee and step out in the back yard to enjoy watching the sunrise. I want to enjoy every one I can before I have to go._

 _I love you, Lee and I always will. Always and Forever._

 _I am and always shall be,_

 _Your Manda_

Lee could hear Amanda's voice in his head talking softly to him about her thoughts and feelings and he heard the gravel and the cute little crack in Amanda's voice roughened by emotion, when she said, "I love you, Lee and I always will." And her softly whispered, "Always and Forever."

Lee could almost feel her hand touching the side of his face, thoughtfully stroking his cheek with the backs of her fingers and playing with his forelock, as she had done so many times before. He laid his hand on the side of his face and willed the tears not to come, but they coursed down his cheeks despite his best efforts. He sniffed and wiped at the tears running down his face, but he refused to feel ashamed of crying over the final thoughts and thoughtfulness of his Manda, his beloved wife, an amazing and extraordinary woman.

As he touched the words on the page, her declaration of undying love to him, he choked through the half ton lump in his throat, his voice barely above a whisper, "I love you, Amanda and I always will. Always and Forever."

It was then he noticed a few spots there on the paper, wrinkled as though they had been wet and then dried. As he ran his fingers over the spots, he realized that she had been crying and a few of her tears had dropped onto the paper.

Lee dropped the letter in his lap and sighed deeply. He put his hands on the steering wheel and laid his forehead between them. "Oh, Amanda. I miss you so much," he said, his voice little more than a whispery groan and rolled his head back and forth.

He had sat there for some time, when Dotty came tapping on the window and startled him from his reverie. Lee rolled down the window and Dotty asked, "Lee, are you all right? I happened to glance out the window and saw you slumped over the steering wheel. You have said you'd been having chest pains recently. I thought I'd better come out and check on you."

Lee wiped self-consciously at his face with the heel of his hand and had to swallow before he said, "I'm all right, Dotty. Just feeling a little sorry for myself and missing Amanda." He gestured toward the passenger seat. "Get in. I have something to show you."

When Dotty was settled in the passenger seat, Lee handed her the letter. She unfolded it and began to read. Tears came to her eyes as she read the final thoughts and feelings of her only daughter, her beautiful baby girl. She raised an eyebrow and gave Lee a quizzical look, when she read the part about being meddling but loving and helpful. Then, she smiled through her tears and shook her head, when she came to the part about Amanda loving her and saying thanks for all she had done for her. She smiled again when she read of her advice to Amanda and how she had taken it to heart. When she was finished, she looked up with tear bright eyes. Then, she refolded the letter and gave it back to Lee.

"Oh, my God, Lee. She knew she was dying and knew there was no way to stop it. She felt she needed to explain why she didn't want treatment and she wanted you to know that she had come to terms with it," Dotty said. "By the way, what's a... let me see, Zulu Blue?"

"It's a very special coded message. It means respond without question or delay." Lee paused for a second and took a breath as something occurred to him. "Did you notice the date? I remember that morning," Lee said softly, as his mind drifted back to that day. "I woke up and found Amanda gone from our bed..."

 _April 23, 1992_

 _Lee slowly aroused from sleep shortly after dawn, aware that something, or someone, was missing from their bed. When he reached to touch the beautiful woman who slept next to him, he found only rumpled blankets where she should have been, her place long cold._

 _"Amanda," he stage whispered, thinking she might be in the bathroom. No answer. "Damn! Where did that girl get to now?"_

 _Shaking his head, he swung his feet to the floor and stuffed his feet into his slippers. He retrieved his robe from the foot of the bed and drew it on, his still sleep fogged mind whirring away at where he might find his wayward wife._

 _After a few moments of contemplation, he made his way down the hallway and peeked into the boys' room. Lee had found her there quite often, and more frequently since her diagnosis, her arms resting along the crib rail, her chin resting on her arms, just watching her baby boy sleep. No such luck, he thought, as he backed out of the room and quietly closed the door._

 _Then he made his way down the stairs as quietly as he could. This being a very old house, the stairs protested loudly at any attempt to tread on them. When one stair let out a particularly loud creak, he gritted his teeth and froze for a moment to make sure he hadn't awakened the entire house. When it was apparent that he hadn't, he continued down the stairs. At the landing he cut left and checked every room at that end of the house, still with no luck. Then he made his way back over the landing toward the kitchen, the smell of fresh brewed coffee drawing him like a seductively beckoning finger. Though sorely tempted, he bravely decided to forgo his morning pick-me-up to continue his search for his wife. The back door was ajar and he followed the familiar and tantalizing scent of sweetened coffee to the gazebo._

 _It was there he found her leaning in the back doorway, her shoulder and head resting against the door frame, her slender form silhouetted by the light of the recently risen sun. Apparently she was lost in thought, her eyes fixed on the distant horizon. She was completely unaware, as Lee silently slipped up behind her and put his arms around her waist. She let out a cute little squeak and tossed her cup, still half full of coffee, into the yard. She turned in his arms and leaned back slightly to get a good look at the person who dared disturb her reverie._

 _Upon realizing that it was her beloved husband, she groused, "You probably scared ten years off my life." Then, she kissed him lightly on the lips._

 _Lee looked at her, stunned, every line of his face and body conveying his disapproval of her attempt at humor._

 _"Well, good morning to you, too," she said indignantly, looking him up and down, the hurt in her voice evident. She disengaged herself to retrieve her fallen coffee cup and stood with her back to him, her head bowed, as she poured out the remainder of her coffee and cleaned the clinging grass and dirt from the cup._

 _Lee, seeing the error of his ways, came up behind her and nuzzled her neck. He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in the scent that was uniquely Amanda, memorizing that beautiful fragrance and making a memory for all the lonely days he knew were to come. "I'm sorry," he breathed into her hair, his voice rough with genuine remorse. After a pause, he said, "It still throws me for a loop when you joke about it."_

 _She turned just then to look at him, her eyes bright with unshed tears, her voice sharper than she had intended. "Why did you come out here then?"_

 _"When I woke up and you weren't in bed, I got worried. You weren't in the bathroom or the boys' room, so I came looking for you... and... and..." he said, stumbling over his tongue. He inhaled sharply, as the vision of her slender form silhouetted in dawn light came unbidden into his mind's eye. He shook his head to clear it, but carefully filed that image away for another time. "What have you been doing out here all by your lonesome, anyway?" he asked._

 _Amanda shrugged just then and sighed. She was silent for a long time and Lee waited, knowing that she would speak in her own good time. When he thought she wasn't going to answer, she said quietly, "I was just watching the sunrise; enjoying the silence and the luxury of being left to my own thoughts for a little while."_

 _Lee turned her around and kissed her. He put every bit of love and tenderness he could muster into that one kiss and Amanda responded in kind. When air became an issue, they drew apart and for the first time in what seemed like forever, Lee looked, really looked, into Amanda's eyes. What he saw there shook him to his very core. There he saw strength and courage and a certain vulnerability, but he also saw that she was resigned to her fate. It scared him more than a little to know that his wife, the one person in this world that he loved more than life itself, was going to die and she had accepted it._

 _Lee drew in a deep breath and ran his hands up and down on Amanda's upper arms. "I'm gonna miss you like crazy," he croaked, his voice barely above a whisper._

 _At this she cocked her head to one side and her flattened palm descended to land on his chest, just over his heart. "I'll always be... right here," she whispered._

 _She let out another surprised squeak, when he suddenly pulled her into his arms and buried his head in her shoulder._

 _It was only a moment before Amanda realized that he was crying. "Oh, Lee, my poor baby. Don't cry," she whispered and softly stroked his back. "Don't cry. It'll be all right."_

 _"No it won't. It'll never be all right. All the time we lost at the beginning of our relationship, because I was crazy stupid over the moon in love with you and for a long time I was too scared to tell you. I wish we could have had at least the year of the mystery marriage back. We could have been loving and living together, instead of hiding it from everyone and sneaking around, grabbing stolen moments here and there," he said, his voice so quiet that Amanda had to strain to hear him. "All the time we lost being stubborn and angry at each other after we found out you were sick and refused treatment. Matt, having to grow up not knowing his mother, like I grew up not knowing mine. You, Amanda and all the pain and struggle you will have to endure before it's all over and me, having to watch you go through that and knowing there is nothing I can do to stop it." He raised his head with effort and reached to touch her face, now streaming with tears, as well. "And me, losing the love of my life and the best friend I ever had or ever will," he choked out through the lump in his throat._

 _He had at last let down his tough guy front and let his iron control slip enough to let her see the marshmallow soft center of his soul. She swallowed and shook her head before she reached once more to stroke his hair, twirling a bit around her finger for a moment. Then she smoothed it back and wiped at a tear on Lee's cheek with the pad of her thumb. She wiped self-consciously at her own tears with the heel of her hand. "I know, Lee. I know your pain, because I was there, too." Softer, "And I'm here now." She paused just then and took a deep breath. "Look at us. Aren't we a pair? Blubbering like babies, the both of us." They both laughed through their tears and Lee hugged her fiercely, gently rocking her in his arms._

 _Amanda retrieved her fallen coffee cup once again and swung Lee toward the house. "How about I pour you a cup of coffee and we go back upstairs for awhile?"_

 _Lee only smiled and wrapped his arm around her waist, his fingers interlacing with hers over her hip. Amanda leaned into him and rested her head against Lee's shoulder. Together, they sauntered back into the house._

LSAKLSAKLSAK

"And we spent the rest of the day loving and talking and laughing and just being together. I don't know. I just felt better about it all, somehow. If that could be possible. For just that little while, it was almost like it used to be, before those damned doctors told us she was going to die," Lee said and shook his head.

Dotty shook her head and whispered, a note of wistfulness in her voice, "I remember. It looked like the two of you had finally made up and I didn't want anyone or anything to disturb you. You probably didn't notice how quiet the house was, but I took the boys out and stayed away for as long as we could."

Lee reached to touch her hand and said, "Thank you for that." He sighed deeply; he realized something. Lee's voice caught in his throat and got gravelly as he continued, "And she comforted me. She held me while I cried. She whispered words of love and comfort to me and rubbed my back and stroked my hair. She comforted me!"

"She saw that you were in pain and she wanted, no needed, to comfort you in any way she could, despite perhaps needing to be comforted herself. She has been that way, generous of spirit her daddy called it, since she was a child. That's just who she is, Lee," she said. And softer, as she corrected herself, "Was. Who she was. It's still hard to believe she's gone. At least a hundred times a day, I want to tell her something and I still call out to her, for a moment not realizing she won't answer," Dotty said and shook her head again.

With that, Lee gathered Dotty into his arms and held her while she cried. "I know, Dotty. I know. Your daughter was a beautiful and amazing woman and do you want to know something else? She has a pretty amazing mother," Lee said.

Dotty sat back in her seat to wipe at her face and look at Lee. "I know she was amazing, Lee, but I don't know if she really knew it herself how truly amazing she was." She smiled just then, as she rested her hand on Lee's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I guess it takes one to know one though, since she chose a pretty amazing man to fall in love with and become her husband and the father of her children," Dotty said.

Lee gave her one his bone melting smiles and said, "I hope so." Then he glanced at his watch before he said, "We should go in. Matt's probably up from his nap by now and wondering where everyone went."

Lee grabbed the insurance information and the letter. Then he helped Dotty out of the car and walked beside her with his arm around her shoulders. They both went inside, each for the moment lost in his own thoughts about the beautiful and amazing woman they both loved and missed terribly.


End file.
